Most of us praise our children dozens of times a day, almost on autopilot. It comes from love, and it is far better than criticism. But research on motivation suggests that how we praise matters more than how often. Praise that judges — "good boy", "clever girl", "brilliant drawing" — teaches a child to chase the verdict. Praise that describes and connects teaches them to value the work itself.
The shift is small and entirely learnable. It is mostly about swapping a quick stamp of approval for a moment of genuine attention. Below are two simple moves, with examples you can use today.
Shift from evaluation to connection
A verdict closes a moment down. A description, a question, or simply your full attention opens it up. Instead of rating what your child did, tell them what their effort made possible — or say nothing at all, and just be there for it.
| Instead of... | Try this instead |
|---|---|
| "You're such a good helper!" | Explain exactly how your child's actions affect other people."You've completely set the table. Brilliant — that makes it so much easier for me to get dinner sorted." |
| "I love the way you did that..." | Say nothing at all — simply offer your full attention.Sometimes children don't need an evaluation; they just want you to witness their effort and share the moment with them. |
Focus on description, not judgement
When you describe what you actually see, or ask a real question about it, you hand the child something far more useful than approval: you show them their own work through fresh eyes, and you invite them to think about it.
| Instead of... | Try this instead |
|---|---|
| "Good drawing! I really like your picture!" | Describe what you actually see, rather than passing judgement."Look at that — I see something new here. These figures actually have toes on their feet now." |
| "You've written an excellent essay." | Invite reflection and curiosity."How did you manage to hook the reader's attention right from the very first sentence?" |
| "Good boy for sharing, Leo." | Ask an open question instead of offering a generic stamp of approval."What made you decide to share your flapjack with Archie when you didn't have to?" |
Why this works
A child praised with "you're so clever" learns that worth is tied to a fixed trait — and that trait now feels at risk every time something is hard. A child whose effort is described and noticed learns something steadier: that the work is theirs, that progress is visible, and that they don't need a verdict from an adult to know it mattered.
None of this means withholding warmth. It means pointing your warmth at the right thing — the effort, the choice, the process — rather than at a grade. Praising the process rather than the outcome builds genuine resilience and an intrinsic motivation to learn.
Soft skills are built through practice
Kidgency runs live online classes for children aged 8 to 14, where educators are trained to encourage children in exactly this way — noticing effort, asking real questions, and building motivation that lasts.
See the 12-month programme